Sometimes I feel like I have invisible wires in my back and people are pulling my strings, forcing me to act or should I say react. It could be that someone says something that makes me so angry that I have to lash back. Or something happened at work that follows me home, consuming my thoughts in the evening and on into the night. That feeling is anger, resentment, rage, and hate all rolled into one. I imagine what I would say to that person, creating witty quips in my mind, awaiting the moment when I will be able to use them. I create dream sequences of me punching them, or running them over with my car, or cursing them out, all things that in my mind are just and reasonable punishments. I see them every day, wondering why they even bother to show up. Why don’t they just stay home? Why come and just sit there, looking stupid, not working? I have to say the same things to them everyday, day in and day out.
They change my mood from technicolor to gray with their mere presence. I hate them. I wish that I could kill them, or at the very least, that they would never return.
Then I realize that I am their puppet, their wind-up toy, their robot. I allow their behaviors, thoughts and actions to determine my behaviors, thoughts and actions, which makes me no better than they are. Why do I bother to show up? Why don’t I just stay home? Why come and just sit here, angry, fussing, and allowing them to make me mad? Why say the same things everyday instead of creating a new plan, a new atmosphere, a new day?
I realize now that I am allowing irrelevant people to be relevant in my life. I have allowed them to tug on my wires for far too long. I’m going free!