I love my husband. When he met me, I was a plus-sized girl, with a sweet smile and a shy personality. I am still that same girl, just now I’m his wife, the mother or his child, and a very grown-up woman.
Yet in still, he has always loved my weight and has never said anything about it. In fact, he often (and I mean often) tells me how sexy my body is. The only time he’s ever been concerned about what I ate was when I was pregnant, and rightly so. Other than that, he’s pretty easygoing.
If I voice my opinions about wanting to eat healthier or lose weight, he’s always so supportive. And if I want Chinese food or a candy bar, he’s always so supportive.
It’s crazy because he’s everything that I’ve ever wanted…a man who would truly love me as I am. But, I can’t help but resent him for that because I don’t love myself the way I am. I don’t love my body, so why does he? How can he look at with lust what I look at with disgust?
I often feel that if he would just want me to change, or look at other women, or show some indication that he would prefer me skinnier, that it would give me the motivation that I need in order to lose weight for good.
In the past I have had boyfriends that have encouraged me to lose weight, stating that I look good, but that I would look even better if I weighed a little less. One boyfriend encouraged me to work out with him and stop eating out and I actually lost about 30 pounds. Another gave me $100 for every 10 pounds that I lost, and I ended up losing about 20 pounds with him (although knowing what I know now, I would have gone for 100 lol). Still another was a personal trainer and would train me for free. Another taught me how to do exercises in order to keep my curves and lose the fat. Another used to monitor everything that I ate and it got so bad that I had to buy food in secret and throw away the wrappers before I got home.
While all of this seems crazy, it really did motivate me to get my body right, albeit for a short time. Right now, I am the happiest I have ever been in a relationship, and I am also the heaviest that I have ever been in my entire life. Uh.
I know that he loves me the way I am, and that’s one of the things that I love about him. But at times I feel like I could be better for him. When we are in public, I wonder if he would hold my hand if I were smaller. Or put his arm around me. Or walk closer to me to let everyone know that I was his.
I know that he is attracted to me physically, but I wonder if sometimes he’s a little embarrassed to be with me. I know that I would be. I have let myself go…past go…I mean off a cliff go.
I just feel in my heart that if he would say one thing, just one little thing about me losing a few pounds, that would give me all of the motivation that I need to really lose weight once and for all.
I can’t believe that I’m being this honest, but I know someone else has to feel the same way I do.