On Having Children 

  
I never wanted to have children. You know that motherly instinct all women are supposedly born with, yeah, mine was broken, or nonexistent. I didn’t even like kids. When I held other people’s children, it was always awkward. I felt like they knew I didn’t like them and that they didn’t like me either.

Children just weren’t in the cards for me. 

Until I got pregnant. The moment that stick showed two lines, something inside of me changed. A switch was turned on. And all I could think about was becoming a mother.  I loved what I could not feel and what I could not see with a fury that I had never felt about anyone ever before. 

Then, I had a miscarriage. It was the single worst time of my entire existence. Someone I never knew I wanted became the only thing I ever wanted and then, just like that, it went away. 

For a long time, all I could think about was having a baby. Being a mom. I knew that there was a child. A child in me, that was ready to come out. No one else could see or understand it, but I could. 

Before I even got pregnant again, I knew him. This son of mine. I’ve loved him my whole life. Every thing I’ve done, said, or been through was leading me to the moment of finally meeting my reason for living. My reason for doings things right this time. 

When I was just six weeks pregnant, I went and bought an outfit. Just one. A little blue and white striped jumpsuit. I already knew that what I carried was a boy. 

But I was scared. I was scared that he would go away just like the the one before him. So, I waited. Waited for him to go away too. 
But he didn’t. Seeing that little blob on the monitor grow from a speck to what resembled a tiny baby was the best moment of my life. 

I will never forget that day. 

And when I gave birth to him, the one that I’ve loved my entire life, and the doctor laid him on my chest, I knew. I knew it was him. 

Since then I have never known a love as strong and I presume that I never will. When people say that children change you, they mean it. Being a mom brings me indescribable joy. 

“I’ve loved him my whole life, and somewhere along the way, that love didn’t change but grew. It grew to fill the parts of me that I did not have. It grew with every new longing and desire until there was not a piece of me that did not love him. And when I look at him, there is no other feeling in me.” Laura Nowlin

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